eyes.arms.heart.wide.open

2010-01-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

I am still fighting against that urge to be always in control (as seen below).

On that note: 24 days till home ownership

115 days till marriage

thus... complete chaos!

however: Despite frequent breakdowns and manic behaviour, this is actually fun! Praise God for taking everything out of my hands and giving me the ability to enjoy this time!

2009-05-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

I hate not being in control.

i am like a rollercoaster going up and down and down and down.

This stage of life sucks.... it's like being in limbo. nothing is certain, yet everything is certain.

money is not certain, but you certainly need to have it. Goals are not certain but you certainly need to have them, too.

I am struggling. Have you noticed?

I need a rant right now.

I am so angry/annoyed/frustrated... but I know that I really have nothing to be angry/annoyed/frustrated with.

I think I am my grandmother. Anxious over everything that is nothing. Depressed about depression.

I try to be happy and portray that. But I unsuccessfully do that.

God, I need your help. You already know that. But I'm having trouble realizing that you already know that. You seem so far away. I'm trying to learn the art of conversation with you. It's really hard. I have a hard enough time with people!

Grant me more grace and more hope, God.

Into the Wild

2008-03-05T05:51:00.000-08:00

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past." - Christopher McCandless

"I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all!" — Chris McCandless' journal from Alaska

(written in book) "Happiness only real when shared"

The final scene is the excruciatingly beautiful yet filled with hope. The camera effects are incredible and the message given is one of the most beautiful I've yet to find in a movie.

This movie tell us of one man's search for something bigger than the world today. Praise God that he finds it.

"When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you."

2008-02-17T06:59:00.001-08:00

God, I need Your help to accept Your love. Why me?

Predictability or Simplicity?

2007-12-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

forgive me for being predictable.
it's said that there's "nothing new under the sun". i am the epitome of that statement. i'm really not creative because i only steal other peoples' ideas.
people who are wordy and smart with things like politics scare me a bit. i can't keep up. maybe i don't really care about the reasons that people are starving in some unknown African country. i care that they ARE starving. that means something to me. the fact that maybe some well-known political leader has been keepng undercover secrets from some other political leader to cause problems with importation to cause starvation in mass numbers is important, yes. but not to me. i can't change that by myself. and i'd rather not talk about it. i would rather do something, like maybe sponsor someone who is starving. or send money to a charity organization, or mabe even visit and do some good myself.
i realize this was harsh.
i do care about starvation and mass murders and such. i do care.
but when will we stop raking political people over the coals and stop forcing our opinions on everyone as if we are some awesome, mighty politician who can change everything in no time at all. politicians are smart and brave and courageous. yes, they make mistakes, sometimes more than they bargain for, but don't we all make mistakes?
i know i'm not a politician. i've accepted the fact that i probably will never be able to say the word and have something amazing happen.
i am me. God made me simple.
He calls me to help the people i know and see around me.
a hug is better than all the talk in the world.
to say one word or give one sandwich to a person on the street is better than all the words we could ever use to tell the world our opinion.
since when does our opinion count anyways?
last time i heard, we're the creation, not the Creator.
We don't need to count in the world's eyes.
We need to count in His eyes.
Bad-mouthing people won't get us there.
Banging our fists on the table won't get us there.
But maybe, just maybe, giving 5 minutes of your time will.
or your hand.
or the words "God loves you."

today i'm going to help someone. maybe it will only be my mom. but it still counts. God sees that.

"when the music fades, and all is stripped away, and i simply come. longing just to bring something that's of worth, that will bless Your heart. i'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself, is not what You have required. You search much deeper within, through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship. and it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, all about You, Jesus. King of endless worth, no one could express, how much You deserve. Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours. every single breath"

LORD

2007-12-18T15:05:00.001-08:00

my mind is clear
but my heart is not.
they can't tell me emotion is bad.
LORD
you touch people
by touching their hearts,
the culmination point of emotion.
LORD
i pray for simplicity
for a simple word to show me You.
LORD
i give myself to you.
LORD
it's not easy
and i'm fighting
i'm resisting.
LORD
i feel it,
i see your hand
but i don't want to take it
LORD
is that word surrender?

2007-12-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

i've had a lot of things in my mind of late... things are changing, my attitude is changing. i'm praying that my friends won't have to change. i'm scared about alot of stuff.
i feel a change in my life coming on... a big one.
i've decided to go for simplicity. no memorization of the rules or a constant upkeep of appearances. love. that's all i want. i don't want someone telling me exactly how i have to believe. i'm sorry but my personality can't handle things the way you do.
love isn't the same for everyone. the basis of love is, yes, but not how we show it. For me, showing love is living it, clapping my hands, moving from side to side, closing my eyes, crying, and silence.
i don't think there is enough silence and listening in my life. i am too loud. we're all too loud. we want to speak our opinion. but what about the One whose opinion counts the most? Do we forget about Him when we speak our minds?
jealousy seems to pop up alot. i am unhappy with myself. not becae i'm not cool or smart or sure of myself. i think it's because i don't feel that one thing that i need to feel in order to be happy. i know He is there... i love Him, but the complexity of everything has gotten in the way.

prayer is key. can someone make that stick in my head?

2007-11-15T17:46:00.001-08:00

i've come to understand that the time i feel most beautiful is right when i step out of the shower... i'm a clean slate with all my imperfections staring at me. it's refreshing to know that this is how God made me. he wants me to be exactly how i am. no makeup or masks to cover up my real self. just refreshingly me.

thank you Lord

it's time.

2007-11-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

it's time to stop thinking about myself and whining about how i'm not cool. i'm NOT cool. but that doesn't matter. i think i'm finally learning to think about myself how God wants me to think about myself.

God doesn't want me to think that i am not good enough. because i am. he tells me so.

i am not quiet or gentle like God tells me to be. i am clumsy and loud. i use too many words. but i think the realization that God is working in me has helped me to become a little more quiet in my spirit. to contemplate his love for me.

indescribable

2007-10-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think i'm the most boring person in the world. and then i start to envy other people. and i get jealous. and i don't pray enough. i wish i was more creative. and funny.

this is what happens when you put trust in yourself.

2007-07-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

when the moons hits your eye like a big pizza pie....

2007-07-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

I so much want to be so more. I want to really have my eyes and arms and heart wide open.

where is my motivation?
where is my positivity?
where is my strength?
where is my joy?

it is in God. it is in God. it is in God. why do I need to keep reminding myself?

maybe because when it is me who is doing the reminding i will never get anywhere. I will keep going around in circles.

stupid pride and selfishness.

sometimes i really want people to read this, and other times... not so much. maybe they need to see?

I think I am afraid for people to see because I put up such a good show. But really, I am not hip. I am not cool. I am not as confident as I seem sometimes. I am pretty down.
I just want to be more.

there it is again.

more.
why more?
why not less?
didn't Jesus make himself less?
why can't I?

Are you telling me something Lord?

2007-07-25T18:49:00.001-07:00

i get really jealous sometimes. and angry. and hurt. and envious.
i feel that way right now.

please pray.

2007-07-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

I am the comfortable, secure, definition of this western world. And I have perfected the scenes, even I believe I’m above saving, and I’ll never let you see. I am the broken, I am the bruised, I am the ruins, and I have been used. It takes me falling to the ground to admit to fully needing you. Then when I’m breathing my last breath, come and save me, I will cry to you, 'cause pride has not, let me say. And I am the broken, I am the bruised, I am the ruins, and I have been used. Oh, why does it take so much to bring me to my knees. Oh why does it take so much pain from me to see His strength is only found when I am on knees. Why is it so hard to show when I am weak.

And I am the broken, I am the bruised, I am the ruins, And I have been used.

-"Song for the Broken" - BG

this is me. i am broken. please piece me back together, Lord.

2007-07-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

weddings are an amazing thing from the Lord. i was in my first wedding this weekend. i got the dress, the hair, the makeup and the flowers; the whole bit. the dress was so pretty and the flowers were amazing.

but there was so much more than that.

at a wedding, there are two people joined by a God-given institution to make them one. there is indeterminable love, indescribable joy, laughter, tears and friendship. you see people talking with people they may not usually talk to, people joking and smiling.

thank you God for love. for marriage.

secrets.

2007-07-09T14:53:00.001-07:00

everyone has them. some are silly, some are not.

secretly, i want to be a rockstar.

secretly, i get jealous. alot. for no good reason.

see?

for me.

2007-06-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

to think and write and rant and hope and dream.

if anyone reads this, it is me, wide open. I intend for this to be taken as just me, no holds barred.

i am scared. of what i am and who you might percieve me to be.

but i am only human. take me as i am.